Wishful Cuts

Roza emphasized desperately, "such a shame..... such a waste of a good fit!!". Naimmin, in response, quoted a french philosopher, so effortlessly, that one could be convinced of his affiliation with them, "..... and expecting it to fly". It was indeed effortless but held a peculiar conviction, in fact conviction with a hint of sarcasm. She was embarrassed about this conversation but she knew this would yield best results, well, better than her alternatives. While the defeat, hopelessness, and their seeming permanence challenged her mind to concoct something positive, she was confident about her choice to seek help from him, and let his practical negativity reign.

"It's all wishful thinking", Naimmin reiterated the third time. "...but what if?" Roza implored, her feeble heart disagreeing but accepting the truth in his words. She had been over this, each year, trying harder but coming back weaker. It angered her that this didn't change and it wasn't going to change. 

Naimmin declared he couldn't relate to her and wanted to excuse himself from this play, but, his damaged heart wanted to preach and so he did. " You can't create an unreal world and be disappointed that it is not real. Samina is willing to play along with you and ease you into the impossibilities of your world, but I won't. She might be burdened by the weight of your friendship but I am not. You are not the first in the world to have sorted a sequence for yourself, to be petulant about the "what if", to demand and implore at the same time. You will rise above this, even if you don't want to, one day you will just rise. It won't matter and you wouldn't know why. You just will rise above this. I can't tell you when, but you will. You can't rush into this kid, try as you may."

" What if......" Roza managed to interrupt but gave in. 

That's the thing about a feeble heart, it knocks for strength along the way. Some times it breathes through the strong hold, some times it suffocates. Some times it takes comfort in bleeding and some times it quivers for the gone. 

"Utopia. The Greeks had two meanings for it: eutopos meaning 'the good place' and outopos, meaning 'the place that cannot be." 

- Mad Men

Stagnant

Seek, seek more, a little more

Stay, stay a little longer

Atleast linger aimlessly 

its an acquired impotence 

not a rendered curse

Play, play, less, a little less today

Walk home, slowly, a little slower 

"not today kid", screeching 

hurt a kind soul unintentionally 

possibly your own

Bleed, bleed, oh well, oh no

Speed, speed through the times amiss

watch it unfold, the one untrue, the many far away

Deny what could be

Hold, hold it close, too close

Keep it warm, it is delicate

Let it reveal

....the damaged you 

Hold it close, a little closer

Stale, so stale, so strong, so lame

Know better or let it rest

Yet to come is an excuse of the withered

It "weren't"

She walked in a plush overcoat, looking confident, which could easily be mistaken for overconfidence by the audience. She poured her damaged heart in front of him. He replied "you weren't".

This is precisely how things should be. Damaged, open, expectant, hopeful.... determined, sure, and blunt. I have been meaning to write about this very essence for a while now, conflicting my own evolving thoughts each time which in turn nullified the thoughts leading up to it. I wanted to propose to be bold, open, brazen, expectant and unprepared but at the same time I wanted to warn about the outcomes. Now I have the answer finally, or so I think? Until I contradict/challenge myself, bear my inquisitiveness. There is no other way of life than exploring the possibilities of 'what may' while secretly hoping for the utterly unrealistic. However, there is no preparing for the brutal reality either. Does that mean we be cautious to the extent that our raw thoughts muffle themselves to oblivion? The guardrails set for us are already misleading enough to fog our most potent thoughts. Shouldn't we be the ones to allow them their magic?

It takes an awfully long time for the magic of uncertainty to unfold, each milestone reminding us of its fragility. This should be a reason enough for us to be open to hurt.

Now, as for the outcome, I wouldn't have it any other way - unapologetically blunt.

"There is nothing more pathetic than caution,

when headlong might save a life,

even, possibly, your own" 
- Mary Oliver 

Low Light

"....because I never get picked", he said with a sarcastic smile. I, on the other hand, did get picked most times in life. It may not have turned out to be a good thing always, but I did get picked. I knew tonight I would get picked and so I put extra thought and render utter sincerity into answering the question on a 6 X 2 inch note. I wanted to preserve the sanctity of the occasion and respect audience's intelligence about circumstances. I wrote down the truth, simple and naked. I hadn't made it up and it wasn't allowed either.

Most people took a positive route for the theme tonight - "Pushed", but like most times in life, I chose the negative route. "Why sugarcoat the truth while confessing it to yourself?", I thought. I had the anonymity working in my favor and I was glad I wrote it down exactly as it was.

The host began jubilantly,"Currently..... ", and I realized I was picked. I heard her say the words out loud exactly as I had written them. Each of the 14 words clutched my heart mercilessly but what made it bleed was the reaction from the audience. It was a brutal validation.

The crowd managed a collective 'awww' and followed it by a sympathetic 'oooooohhh'. A tear rolled down my face onto the t-shirt, one I purchased 10 minutes back. Thank god for the anonymity.

" It’s a very brave person that does something anonymously." - Joan Holloway

125th

I lifted my head up in a graceless act
The ads on the subway blurred out instantly
Did it read "Casper"?
"Don't don't" I begged within
hoping they would roll back
the sense of a pair of eyes creeping
discomforted my misery
They didn't give up
and mine couldn't hold it any longer
At 125th, I won, am I stronger?
Today, I see a man
his head hung low
gripping the pole so strong
to magically render strength so lost
A wild swing, and he lifted his head
"Is it hazy?" I wondered
....but my eyes caught a tear
streaming to his ear
as if whispering "it's ok"
I swallowed a lump
and looked away
we both chose to give in
but may be
........just may be
we didn't give up

AI

Acceptance is the most unforgivable disservice to oneself if it’s a choice, chosen each time to defer oneself of what could be. It’s this idea of “carrying on” within an outline of social security that limits the self not only from seeing beyond, but from even wondering of a fuller journey. To not allow oneself to wonder, to be afraid of the passion it might accidentally spark is beyond pathetic. The half thought of “if” today drags in a knapsack of the lost chances to the doorstep, looks the naked you in the eye and narrates you the specials from the glorious “regrets”. This terror is enough to cajole oneself into drawing the circle smaller each time.

Tell me “it adds up now” and I will shed a tear on your behalf. It does not add up. You rationalized the hell out of it, but it does not add up. You are not convinced and so you seek comfort in convincing others that your misery had a purpose. To fit things in retrospect and to rationalize choices has become our reflex response to “how did you get here?”

If here and now is the only truth we live (as told by Alan Watts), don’t we owe ourselves the truth of what got us here and now? Was it a series of deliberate moves or underlying acceptance of what happened?

I can spare the retrospection but cannot not excuse myself from introspection. A recent confession to a friend who did not see it coming brought on a dimension to my observations so far. Throughout the growing years, the finish line was fixed for each race. Each race was different in length, posed a different challenge but had a finish line. The end was certain. The certainty of the end was comforting. However, the races we run today don’t have a finish line to it and neither do they have a track. Sure, there is an illusion of a track and a mirage they called it finish line. Sure, it was promised to you by someone who made it halfway. Maybe they convinced you the halfway mark was the finish line. And now you are here. Are you convinced? Who is laughing now? Well no one. Not you and not the one who thought this was it.

With a moving finish line and no markers defining a track, it’s not exactly a race (well it never was to begin with). It’s a stroll and should be a stroll filled with a sense of wonder, one that consumes you but releases you with each breath.

“Yaaaaaaaar…….. sahi se fail hona chahiye tha” as these words came out of my mouth I realized the magnitude of void. A void that can only be filled by challenging and failing gloriously. The key is to mess it up and see the magic unfold out of it. No, it’s not the same as seeing others mess it up and learning. Stumble as you wish/will, bruise proudly, adore the scars and laugh.

'Just might'

My sister said to me " Oh....be wrong!
with faces seen and unseen"
But I know there is a wait to your lazy face

The face buried inside that pillow carelessly

I miss the train, a button and a step most days
My hands are barely enough
I am running late to everything
and you don't seem to care

I don't want to reach
So I have you on my mind
We kiss in the kitchen 

They whisper, we blush

You know I fog your glasses

Its the 96th Street....
"Have we met before?"

Coffee helps me slack a little more
The crowd helps me ignore
So I think about you
..... the one who I can't
..... the one who I won't
..... the one who I lost
..... the one who has 'the one'
..... the one who wants
..... the one who just might
.....and burden the universe.

Borders

As he announced his decision, we were prepared to listen and ignore but instead we understood and I was ashamed of his righteousness. This isn't the first time, neither will this be the last. I have grown up permeating in myself increasing levels of acceptance that he is of better quality ( Whatever this entails). Here he was proving it AGAIN!

Increasingly burlesque voices mistaken as audacious keep echoing the crisis of self and self-worth.  Initially it released " We do and then ask why did we do it, that's the problem". However merely humorously packaging a sad story doesn't justify a lost opportunity and misused innocence. It tickles me tragically that several expensive steps later we still are at " Guessed this could help but...." .

I strongly suggest losing. I am now an ardent supporter of falling and failing, but failing at things that matter. While it kills it brushes a spark to awaken the Phoenix. It burns bad but the warmth helps fight the cold.

"Being miserable" is a state, we've both been there, survived  that but settling for "Being Ok" is pathetic.

Between the lines

H: “I had to do the hardest thing anybody ever had to do……wait.”

My fingers try to find the keys in the dark amidst the snores, when I am lost in the two examples. I remember sitting in a filthy train with her across from me, not speaking a word and allowing me to blatantly admit my misery. She didn’t try and I can never thank her enough but now I envy her misery. Now I feel like a loser and have told her the same a thousand times only for her to calmly deny my reasons. We don’t talk that often anymore, it’s beyond our control. We often cry together though and it’s our new normal. I hate that our reasons aren’t the same.

It’s so logical/necessary to choose one over the other but we always crave for either the lost option or imagine an esoteric arrangement. “Option A is not available, let’s kick the shit out of option B”, the lady said during the commencement speech and like a kid incapable of letting go of a ridiculous wish I only pretended to have understood. To be fair, I actually did understand. However, I am so incapable of learning from it or putting it to practice that I conveniently chose to have not understood it.

Between Halpert and C.K , I fail miserably everyday. Oh no  Selena can’t win!

C.K : “Just soak yourself in the filth, let it eat you alive” ( not the exact words ….but you see the point )

Enough

This is not one of the "Enough is Enough" sorts. In fact this is precisely the opposite. I pitched this idea to the only soul,I expected, might understand to a certain extent (if not in its entirety) my brother. I weaved it the best way possible. I started with what it means, what it means to me and how its the most logical cascading conclusion. I confidently finished my theory saying " It's enough, you see now?" Well he didn't. He heard my monologue for 8 minutes without interrupting. I must thank him for that atleast.

His response was very blunt, as if the very purpose of his response was to nip my idea along with its very roots. He declared I was not yogi and that I was far from discovering or arriving at such grave baseless conclusions. He was worried about my thoughts and I decided to rest this before he inquires further.

Two months later, I decided to pitch the idea again and this time after high tones of excitement, so that me broaching the subject doesn't make him anxious and he understands my basis for arriving at the theory. I had a strong feeling he might just get it this time. I was prepared to explain it to him further. I started with the fishes, the coastline and sunshine and tactically led it all to being 'Enough'. He almost saw this coming and there was a 5 second silence. I decided to deflect it for now, but determined to strike again.

After few weeks, I breezed through several of my extreme cynical vicious compensations. I knew this would make him uncomfortable and more importantly concerned. I never had to be insecure about him being judgmental, perks of being siblings I guess, This time he took a pause and confessed that he gets one of them. Still it was not the theory, I was most passionate about and that made me restless.

Its as simple as it gets. Its "all good" and "enough" and we must know when to "stop". Granted its much more toxic, unnerving and convoluted but the bottom line is a one liner. I gave it another shot and he didn't deny. I guess this is as good as it gets.

It needn't always be frustrating, it needn't always be painful. it needn't always taken wrong. Sometimes it can just be knowing when to stop. After seeing "enough" its time to "sleep".
I had Franzen, page 9 on my face and the darkness was comforting. I can't wait to "sleep"!

Black-hole

Its out! Its out! Its out!

"What do you do when all your certainties crumble and slip away through your fingers like sand......."

That eternal black hole she says need to be filled with something eternal. All I am sure of right now is the black hole. The infinities of its depth is the only certainty and its existence is the only truth.

It happened. She heard that one thing and broke. She felt it as a slap across her face and pride. It hit her in the gut and she fell down hard. She couldn't get up, it was the truth and somebody has let it out. Nothing will ever be the same again. She prayed her heart out and worded each tear into a wish. A wish she was no longer afraid to wish for. It scared her soul.

Her lips quivered out of fear. Her hands lost strength and her stomach ached of pain like never before. She explained all of her uncertainties and her helplessness. As she explained it scared her further. Its been a long time and a long way to nowhere.

That small part, that second and the other minute are all you fight for and once its passed you just compensate for the lack of it. You over compensate to the extent that you pity yourself at the end of all of it. A minute without overdoing is impossible, a second without distraction is a nightmare and a glance into space is defeating. Amidst all this you continue to compensate. Its "what you do".

Warm Weave Winter

A celebrity suggested to record it in the moment, because the feeling is so strong but replicating it isn't as easy as it seems at that moment. " I am better than this" I thought looking over my phone, with conviction this time, not trying to just justify as he walked towards me in the dim light. My eyes controlled themselves from with and I mustered a hello to save myself from the unknown embarrassment. The party was an absolute wrong choice and so was the choice of my pants. The blazer was just too tight and my neck was soar.

He rested himself next to me and I felt an instant sigh of relief. A relief of a foreboded end. I'd like to believe he came sensing an unrest though I am more than sure he came to discuss something very specific. That corner impressed me and the lighting felt right. I held an empty glass and played my own game along its rim. Before we could delve into serious conversation, the presentation began and it read 'Petite sirah/durif'. The smiled at the muffling noises in my end. Suddenly, I was glad I was there. 

The night grew colder and we were out in the midnight. I chose a retreat next to the Jazz players and pretended to understand and enjoy the music by deeply staring at the lead singer and swaying my body to the slightest extent. The crew was few yards away and I was sure to lose them. I chose the tallest one to compass my way back. I didn't have the slightest remorse of what just ended, but the warmest feeling among the non-sense. As we created games over water and lemon I started realizing "here". At 2 AM over coffee she told me how it makes a difference and I walked home with the recording. 

In the morning I played it to listen to myself "I really hope that, I never want to be THAT person". I laughed and gifted myself 5 more min of sleep. 

She

I knew the seconds before committing to watch it that it would demand the best of my courage and most of my anger. I knew I might be disgusted in my gut to the extent I might never feel pure again. But I ventured.

It was structured for 58 minutes and I challenged myself to sit through only to relive the nightmare to the slightest extent.

It began. In 4 minutes I grabbed the pillow lying lazily next to me and shouted my soul into it before I could cry. I shouted and it absorbed. I shouted harder and pressed my face in deeper only to not let myself hear it. I saw her for the first time. I saw her in the years she must have always smiled. She looked liked me. And that killed me. I continued shouting into the pillow and I tried to stop but couldn't. After few minutes I heard from him. I was more angry and uncontrollable by now. I rushed and knelt down in front of Him. I folded my hands and cried. I cried until I wasn't sure what to wish for. I cried in wait for a wish I could frame but in vain. I puked and wished I could stop. My throat ached but I couldn't stop.

I crawled my way back to see if I could handle and then he said it. What he said shook my soul and I died. I died a death so meaningless that it shook my faith. Faith is a strong assumption which manifests itself as belief. Its so weak that at times of desperation its this weakest thing one holds onto. Mythology creates a subtle balance of good versus bad that it pleases a moral soul. When the balance is disrupted or the questions are unanswered one doesn't understand what to cling onto.

I anticipated sleepless nights or nightmares but I was wrong. My conscious was challenged and I was unable to take shower without loud music nullifying not only the silence but the whisper of the shower. I was scared. Fortunately I had distractions and friends to distract me and push me normalcy. I went out of town to spend money on a dress and slapstick comedy and all along the ride I was battling the atrocious thoughts eager to surface. The conversations helped me a bit but I was still scared and shaken.

The next day I spoke to a friend about this and he pitied me. For the amazing person he is, he tried to respect my pain and left it to me to battle.

Few days passed and I was still grossed out. I felt impure and more importantly lame. In my ritual of respecting humans dead and alive I lost sense of sense. I laughed at my futile prayers and my lame good wishes. I laughed at being lucked out. I smirked at emotions not sufficing the pain. I took back my lame attempt at feeling sorry or pretending to understand.

Now I decided to share the way I feel with someone who means the world to me but what she had to say shook my faith further. The attitude to chose ignorance over empathy broke my beliefs and forced me give up.

Amidst this I realized that humanity is the definition of irony.

Warm Black 3 So

The grass titillating the spine, the gaze underneath the stars, the light of the lincoln,
The random strangers, the weird wine, the expensive dine, the darkness and the laughs.
The strength of the arms, the limp of the hurt, the vanishing hate, the welcoming new,
The sunset frozen, the silence in the ride, the rude still on, the pride not gone.

The hi so slow, the bye so loud, the walk so slow, the gaze so long,
The chase so long, the thought so slow, the name just the same, the same isn't a game.

The dine so long, the time so slow, no one knows, no one cares,
The laughs so loud, the drive so long, turn it around, the change so new.

The time so right, the smile so light, we all know, we all care,
The giggles so true, the time so long, oh so long, glad its strong.
The fourth is better, the life is better, the flight is right, the kiss is light
So far, so long, so much, so new, so few, so true, so few, yet so true, still so true.

Warm Black 2- Fly on the wall

I watched the interview in desperate wait for it frame some opinion in my head. I heard every word being consciously careful to not miss out on twig I could later use to whip other judgments against mine. The director kept his stance so aloof, I wondered if he if his product was as distant and non controversial. The interviewer's questions were rather pointed and demanded considerably unsafe answers. Strangely I wasn't bored and I continued to over-involve myself into the conversation.

Among all the arguments and theories I have witnessed from people about being judgmental, this was my favorite one despite the subject being different. For few min after the interview I was almost restless at the loss of a point of view. "Fly on the wall" is the expression he used to describe his role in being observant of the target. Despite the proximity and the option, he chose to avoid any thoughts spawning from the watch. To me it appeared ineluctable.

To a person who doesn't venture into options that might be perceived slightly abnormal and is scarred at announcement of her nonconformist behavior, all this seemed like 'Charlie and the chocolate factory' except it was not. I've heard that people fit things in retrospect and to me the connotation was always one of justifying, but this dialogue helps me understand that regret is not the only choice rather acceptance is an option.

The disgusting extrapolations and consequently meaningless conclusions people derive under the pretext of provocation cannot to be argued with, but 'To each their own' looks best in acceptance.

Warm Black- 1

Five part write up about warmth and darkness. Inspired by Daehyun Kim.

"If you didn't save it, you let it go"

As clouds gave way to the sunshine that afternoon, her early morning appointment was still on her mind. She wasn't sure if she wanted to share but she was sure she wanted to talk. I let the rays touch my skin along our ride and knew that Now we are in the same place.

:: The numerous, unnecessary and blinding options around us for everything is dangerously coming to bite us. The possibilities each option could lead to and become has rendered us dysfunctional and we gamble only to be disappointed. "What we want" is now replaced by "What's out there" and this vicious cycle has us trapped.

We reached the place and strolled and talked. What we had looked insignificant in the light of what could have been and this scared us. We talked in spirals about the chase and the run.

:: Anything that didn't deserve to be saved must be let go. However, we are so used to holding onto for " a little bit" longer that nothing good can come out of it. The argument of "meant to be" is a man made convenient excuse to be lazy. You dropped it and want the universe to undo gravity for that moment? Of course!

Spiral Limit

He slid his chair hard towards the wall and walked past from behind me. I knew this is the limit and didn't pretend to understand what was going on. I let it be and he came back after 10 min to sit next to me and we sat through a peculiarly boring class. The schedules in some cases and no-schedule in others, have taken weird routes through the dynamics. Its wearing for some and others give up easily to whims of the mood.

Its amazing how we all have come to realize our roles in this deranged set up.This afternoon, I stumbled upon some news and gave it the power. I slid the chair hard against the wall, packed my stuff and marched out. Nothing around me flinched. Its not about not caring anymore but letting it be. As we all drove to dinner awkwardly with disproportionate amounts of silence and talk, we knew this is the new normal.

The importance not trying to figure out is weighing in everywhere positively, The new lows make previous lows seem a missed high. "I am happy for you" now seems the most overused hollow statement. Yet there is a sense of momentary lightness to it. Its so bleak that it is usually easily missed. One can trace it in the knocks and when answered, you let them in.

Living through this will seem hilarious in the retrospect but while we are here it's special. The apologies and confessions, the awkward yes and the unsaid no, the offers and the missed explanations, the sliding of the chairs are all defining new limits. I just deferred a conversation to never and defined a new open orbit. I just held my words and smiled instead. Let it work until it won't.

Iphone 6 you suck

When you frame your mind to blow your money on this worthless piece of shit, you are either drawn by trend, superfluous loyalty or just because you are thralled for no particular reason. You assume it works for a reason unknown to you and then there is the classy launch and raunchy history records for geeks.

For a close to $800 purchase I would prefer making 8 paperboats and sailing them in the sea with each $100 bill than buying this product. Now that I bought this ( Go ahead judge me) I am laughing at how ridiculous can a product get?

Firstly, its ridiculously high priced for absolutely no fucking reason. Its strength is exponentially decreasing as the new models are being unveiled and its UI is trying to create a illusion of being different from previous versions.

Secondly, the namesake service. Lets talk about them even having this non-functional but popular department. They can't even provide basic services for free even for the months to follow, lets not talk about years. At the time of purchase you are told you get 'warranty' (the word is facpalming itself as I use it here). Its so void that it doesnt deserve a sentence for it.

AppleCare Plus? Are you hearing about this for the first time? Well join the club. If you are hearing about it for the first time, you are already late as are we. Its a word you discovered once your phone got screwed and then you realized you should have known about it earlier. But once you cracked the joke you laughed. The joke about a $30 savings at the expense of paying about the same upfront for buying this yet another meaningless illusion of better customer service.

Thirdly, they don't give a fuck. There are several manifestations of this, When you contact customer service they never try to find out a practical way out for you, no matter how grave or different it is, they have 4 meaningless ( this word is getting tired of being used but it understands) options of which you have to pick one, well because you are suffering from lemmingitis.

Lastly, you can't even return this back after a month, just a month. While I spoke to the customer rep, they said " Oh we are sorry you are not satisfied with the phone, but we allow returns only within 2 weeks." Translation- " We are so glad you missed the two week deadline , live with it sucker."
Among the few things I am sure about the world in the future, I am most certain about Apple going down. For the all the worthless glory bestowed on its worthless self, it has no way but down.

Dear Apple,

The huge customer base you boast of is a result of the quality you once offered, see through yourself as we see it. Get your shit together.

This rant is not to create a judgement but to save souls from rewarding a bad product.

May you make sense soon.

Onion sort

Holding an Indian version of pita bread bites, I noticed the cottage cheese had turned a little less softer in the five minutes I took to get to that piecemeal, the last bite of the meal. I contemplated reheating those five pieces and wondered about the specificity of human desires- the right temperature, the perfect seasoning, the heat in the dish, the heat outside, the cold outside, the right sunshine, the right amount of stars, the breeze so fresh, the love so tender, the love so hard, the love so wrong, the love so strong, the one so close, the one so far.

That very day it all happened. The much-needed-to-be-forgotten drama settled in the deepest of the surfaces in my heart. It stayed calm but it was there. It warned me it could resurface. It wasn't overthrown by the trained confidence or the new found acceptance, it proudly negotiated the terms it pleased and chose to drive from the backseat. It knew what its doing. The smugness growing only to drive the rest and itself into an abyss.

Amidst this, I was extrapolating a mere suggestion into a story and lying to myself, I added all the flavor and the garnish to please. I lived few years ahead in five minutes that followed and rejected that future. I contrasted it with five years of the past and smirked. I weighted everything against perfection without giving imperfection a beautiful chance to prove me wrong.

This is what we've become, We've become the annoyance we can't handle, the discomfort we cause and reject all that is happening. The joke is on us however. We reject every possibility of the possible and demand chance to finally play out. We don't even want to give 'fluke' a chance. It has to be all fabricated and then surprise us? What it didn't rain when you wanted it to? How dare you (nature)! Granted that wish but its 'kinda' not what you specifically wanted and it should be ctrl-z-ed? Of course!

The settlement should be nullified, the love should be glorified, the green should be amplified and the happiness testified? I can't wait to lose!

Absolute

As soon as she could fathom the good news buried six feet under the brevity of the text, Claire rushed to rest her demons waging against the happiness. She knelt down in front of Him, hands folded , tears in her eyes and begged for forgiveness. It unreasonably yet instantly occurred to her that she needed to give up something secretly important to be granted this new wish. She gave up on a fading dream close to her heart.

The roads were flooded. The rains knocked her window in an attempt to touch her. It was a gloomy dark morning. Several calls followed and the power of perceived slight relationships amazed her yet again. Her happiness confused her and she broke into tears, happiness and anxiety shifting their weights among themselves. To be happy for others was something new to her. The dramatic emphasis added by the weather provoked her to empathize for the first time. She felt an instant gush of shame and guilt knock her down. Among the firsts, she realized she badly wanted to be there for her friend.

When distance is chosen, one cannot be surprised at the compromises that follow. The next two days were tense around the subject and she prayed to the gods and demons alike. It gifted her a sense of belongingness.

Finally, on the third day she heard from Zara. The news wasn't negative and they rejoiced over the 'not bad'. The signals couldn't transmit the relief but helplessness reached each other in abundance.

"Hard is not relative, it is absolute." This scraped her mind.

If you didn't speak, how can it be heard? If you didn't show, how can I care? If you don't want, how can I let myself in? She thought to herself, if its not shared, its heavier and unfair.

The liquids, the flesh, the skin, feed them all you want. The covers, the face, show them off all you want. The stack, the height,lose them all you have. While at it, touch a shoulder and borrow a tear but above all let it happen.