Onion sort

Holding an Indian version of pita bread bites, I noticed the cottage cheese had turned a little less softer in the five minutes I took to get to that piecemeal, the last bite of the meal. I contemplated reheating those five pieces and wondered about the specificity of human desires- the right temperature, the perfect seasoning, the heat in the dish, the heat outside, the cold outside, the right sunshine, the right amount of stars, the breeze so fresh, the love so tender, the love so hard, the love so wrong, the love so strong, the one so close, the one so far.

That very day it all happened. The much-needed-to-be-forgotten drama settled in the deepest of the surfaces in my heart. It stayed calm but it was there. It warned me it could resurface. It wasn't overthrown by the trained confidence or the new found acceptance, it proudly negotiated the terms it pleased and chose to drive from the backseat. It knew what its doing. The smugness growing only to drive the rest and itself into an abyss.

Amidst this, I was extrapolating a mere suggestion into a story and lying to myself, I added all the flavor and the garnish to please. I lived few years ahead in five minutes that followed and rejected that future. I contrasted it with five years of the past and smirked. I weighted everything against perfection without giving imperfection a beautiful chance to prove me wrong.

This is what we've become, We've become the annoyance we can't handle, the discomfort we cause and reject all that is happening. The joke is on us however. We reject every possibility of the possible and demand chance to finally play out. We don't even want to give 'fluke' a chance. It has to be all fabricated and then surprise us? What it didn't rain when you wanted it to? How dare you (nature)! Granted that wish but its 'kinda' not what you specifically wanted and it should be ctrl-z-ed? Of course!

The settlement should be nullified, the love should be glorified, the green should be amplified and the happiness testified? I can't wait to lose!

Absolute

As soon as she could fathom the good news buried six feet under the brevity of the text, Claire rushed to rest her demons waging against the happiness. She knelt down in front of Him, hands folded , tears in her eyes and begged for forgiveness. It unreasonably yet instantly occurred to her that she needed to give up something secretly important to be granted this new wish. She gave up on a fading dream close to her heart.

The roads were flooded. The rains knocked her window in an attempt to touch her. It was a gloomy dark morning. Several calls followed and the power of perceived slight relationships amazed her yet again. Her happiness confused her and she broke into tears, happiness and anxiety shifting their weights among themselves. To be happy for others was something new to her. The dramatic emphasis added by the weather provoked her to empathize for the first time. She felt an instant gush of shame and guilt knock her down. Among the firsts, she realized she badly wanted to be there for her friend.

When distance is chosen, one cannot be surprised at the compromises that follow. The next two days were tense around the subject and she prayed to the gods and demons alike. It gifted her a sense of belongingness.

Finally, on the third day she heard from Zara. The news wasn't negative and they rejoiced over the 'not bad'. The signals couldn't transmit the relief but helplessness reached each other in abundance.

"Hard is not relative, it is absolute." This scraped her mind.

If you didn't speak, how can it be heard? If you didn't show, how can I care? If you don't want, how can I let myself in? She thought to herself, if its not shared, its heavier and unfair.

The liquids, the flesh, the skin, feed them all you want. The covers, the face, show them off all you want. The stack, the height,lose them all you have. While at it, touch a shoulder and borrow a tear but above all let it happen.

Premonition

She walked into an empty home and sensed something abnormal. Suspiciously she called out her roommate's name and then hoped to hear an answer. There was no answer.

Convincing herself to relax, she took a long shower and deferred the thought for later. After few hours, it grew uncomfortably silent around her. Now she was worried. She texted her roommate and left few messages over voicemail.

Alone by herself she was forced to visit a day from her past. Fours year back on her way to work, she sensed a similar silence in the cab. The driver and she were beyond the professional constraints that limited them from sharing personal stories. The silence brought in some unpleasant thoughts in her mind which were so random that they could bear no real validity. Among the many that crossed her mind few of them were gravely unpleasant, cruel and risque. She was used to them. The driver observed her in the rear view mirror and decided to broach the subject. He chose to greet her just as they were about to reach the destination and shared the incident that destroyed his life forever. Right when he was uttering it, she had a lump in her throat. However it was not because of the description of the incident but because she had processed the same incident in her head seconds before he told her. The premonition scared her against her. She couldn't choose how to react to the information almost guilty of being responsible for the incident in some capacity. It appeared to her that the perceived prescient thought that crossed her mind was responsible for the event that occurred last week. She was embarking on a journey of putting herself on trial when the phone beeped and woke her up to present.

Mirror Mirror

I just broke out before another stranger ( complete stranger) #FML and I gave up on being embarrassed. I walked swiftly judging myself in every mirror I crossed, did I put on weight? May be not...I stuck with this option. I reached my teammates showing no signs of my embarrassing encounter and restarted the conversation. Then, suddenly I decided to announce " It's done". They smiled and congratulated. Within this I still couldn't help myself and shared how I actually felt about the decision.

Once I revealed my unnecessary blown-out-of-proportion anxiety, she exclaimed almost histrionically though unintentional- 'Oh my god, I totally understand!" It soothed me down instantly, just that reaction. This precisely is the new thing with me, things happen instantly or nano-instantly to the extent that I forget what's happening, happened, what's going to happen. We continued talking about it at length embarrassing the only guy sitting with us who had absolutely no clue how we got there through the conversation. We were too excited to care and shared all the insecurities we are trapped in. At this point, I felt validated for being normal. Being vulnerable isn't a choice.

One of the our sorted friends walked in and she was confused by our raised voices and overwhelming confusion about basic things. Another friend who is famous for being composed, warm and cheerful joined in too. The only male friend was now crafting an exit strategy from this inevitable grave uncomfortable conversation among us. By now our married friend had decoded the essence of our previous conversation and she blurted out her recent encounter with one of the possible solutions. She spoke about how she decided to seek and make the best of the free therapy sessions the school has to offer. While this probable solution was only being announced sarcastically until now, with our heads under water , any twig meant life. It was a healthy discussion, we all decided to defer it till the pool party scheduled later that evening ( Of course I didn't join!).

Despite the momentary comfort the discussion gave me, I wasn't sure if that was all I needed. Like always I decided to fight the battle solo and not yield. I know I am losing.

One day, we were dispersing into our study schedules when my friend and I stole sometime to talk. She knows a little about me as a person, a lot about people in general and holds life through it's tail. I like the spirit of the unknown and the acceptance in her and it's always respect and love from me to her. We walked through several doors until we reached the patio and decided to talk it out. Its through her I realized and told myself what I was going through. At the end of it I felt connected and put straight. The disorientation in me was blurring all that I see.

The next day, I received a text while I was walking home for lunch during the break from an all day class. It said- "Where?" It's probably the most comforting text I have received in a long long time and I was thankful for precisely one second but it stuck.

With a million assignments due, I was only left with a super-public spot to study, a set of cabins offered with noises from revolving doors, walking students and public at large. I sensed I neither had the patience nor the drive to accomplish my tasks. I still decided to stick and try, when walked to my side and flung open a project discussion. I wasn't part of the project he was here for.

After 14 hours in school, we still had one more project to be taken care of. One of our teammates requested to visit him home and offered to cook us dinner. We gave in for the greed of food and sight of a bed. It was immensely challenging to pretend to concentrate. The man among us realized and got up to cook. We, the left two, stole this moment to talk her botherings out and exchanged thoughts on things we didn't want to face in life. The man came back with food and we were excited about the food, we felt so taken care of at that instant - he serving us and we enjoying the food, hot, tasty and irresistible. He felt uncomfortable participating in our conversation and left us to ourselves for few minutes at those late hours. The girl had to take a dump , leaving me and the man alone to talk, leaving us some time to talk about his insecurities.

Before I drift further away, the point is we are all holding back our vulnerabilities swamping ourselves with meaningless ungiving goals. Some of us probably even look down upon sharing insecurities.

"Not a bad day"

After achieving all the inherently defeating goals, fighting the prize, I secretly wish to hear "Not a bad day". I am usually rather specific but I am not in a position to bargain this time.

I like the ideal bar being so high that just the hints have begun to impress me far beyond. Eagerness and desperation have lost the delineation. Appetite is ravenous that I feel the raindrops upon a seeing a partial cloud. 

Its the optimistic belief of its existence and pragmatism of the current world that pulls me apart with equal strength. I declared 'I surrender' but the last breath in me hopes to win. Paint me ungrateful, you have heard me a million times, you know the unease, you've seen it scatter and you know I tried. Its always this way, hit me till I break inside, then one last blow at the broken. Still standing? Take this blow as my hello!

Today however is about the wait. Its about wishing one last time to hear the words. If it's not the truth, I want to live that lie. 

Inside Out

Reality is not as powerful as imagination and the escape to one is all the power in you. Its not about the contrast, its not about its non-existence, its not about the tangibles you can't feel, its about the wish in you to have it come true and the desperation to go back. Its about the All you can have, in the way you want it.

You agree you can feel it in that space, don't lie to me it won't make sense in this space. Yes the drive could be to a dead-end but don't tell me you didn't want to die there. Admit you loved getting there. Tell me you would want it even in the second life. I understand you convinced yourself for a reason not good enough.

Hurl the disgust into the blackhole? Is it that bad? It has to be if you can't survive that reality. I know your escape, I won't judge. I know your eyes, I promise I won't look. I heard your silence, your secret is safe with me.

Step in, this is what you denied yourself of. See that, it was yours. See that, you looked happy. While you are here, let me serve you the lost.

Just to watch

The wheels pushed closer
brightness more closer
The hand small on your surface
the wind in my face
Knees bent on the floor
smiling more and more
The word, that word, the promise
the same time in blue

Twisted waist,
warm foam
stand close

send me to blues
give me a reason
tease, release, please

I will watch , hands folded
sand burning my feet you won't see
the light in me is fire

Oh it's coming towards me
I know, I see
Close closer please faster

Washed, taken, stronger, taller and home