AI

Acceptance is the most unforgivable disservice to oneself if it’s a choice, chosen each time to defer oneself of what could be. It’s this idea of “carrying on” within an outline of social security that limits the self not only from seeing beyond, but from even wondering of a fuller journey. To not allow oneself to wonder, to be afraid of the passion it might accidentally spark is beyond pathetic. The half thought of “if” today drags in a knapsack of the lost chances to the doorstep, looks the naked you in the eye and narrates you the specials from the glorious “regrets”. This terror is enough to cajole oneself into drawing the circle smaller each time.

Tell me “it adds up now” and I will shed a tear on your behalf. It does not add up. You rationalized the hell out of it, but it does not add up. You are not convinced and so you seek comfort in convincing others that your misery had a purpose. To fit things in retrospect and to rationalize choices has become our reflex response to “how did you get here?”

If here and now is the only truth we live (as told by Alan Watts), don’t we owe ourselves the truth of what got us here and now? Was it a series of deliberate moves or underlying acceptance of what happened?

I can spare the retrospection but cannot not excuse myself from introspection. A recent confession to a friend who did not see it coming brought on a dimension to my observations so far. Throughout the growing years, the finish line was fixed for each race. Each race was different in length, posed a different challenge but had a finish line. The end was certain. The certainty of the end was comforting. However, the races we run today don’t have a finish line to it and neither do they have a track. Sure, there is an illusion of a track and a mirage they called it finish line. Sure, it was promised to you by someone who made it halfway. Maybe they convinced you the halfway mark was the finish line. And now you are here. Are you convinced? Who is laughing now? Well no one. Not you and not the one who thought this was it.

With a moving finish line and no markers defining a track, it’s not exactly a race (well it never was to begin with). It’s a stroll and should be a stroll filled with a sense of wonder, one that consumes you but releases you with each breath.

“Yaaaaaaaar…….. sahi se fail hona chahiye tha” as these words came out of my mouth I realized the magnitude of void. A void that can only be filled by challenging and failing gloriously. The key is to mess it up and see the magic unfold out of it. No, it’s not the same as seeing others mess it up and learning. Stumble as you wish/will, bruise proudly, adore the scars and laugh.

'Just might'

My sister said to me " Oh....be wrong!
with faces seen and unseen"
But I know there is a wait to your lazy face

The face buried inside that pillow carelessly

I miss the train, a button and a step most days
My hands are barely enough
I am running late to everything
and you don't seem to care

I don't want to reach
So I have you on my mind
We kiss in the kitchen 

They whisper, we blush

You know I fog your glasses

Its the 96th Street....
"Have we met before?"

Coffee helps me slack a little more
The crowd helps me ignore
So I think about you
..... the one who I can't
..... the one who I won't
..... the one who I lost
..... the one who has 'the one'
..... the one who wants
..... the one who just might
.....and burden the universe.

Borders

As he announced his decision, we were prepared to listen and ignore but instead we understood and I was ashamed of his righteousness. This isn't the first time, neither will this be the last. I have grown up permeating in myself increasing levels of acceptance that he is of better quality ( Whatever this entails). Here he was proving it AGAIN!

Increasingly burlesque voices mistaken as audacious keep echoing the crisis of self and self-worth.  Initially it released " We do and then ask why did we do it, that's the problem". However merely humorously packaging a sad story doesn't justify a lost opportunity and misused innocence. It tickles me tragically that several expensive steps later we still are at " Guessed this could help but...." .

I strongly suggest losing. I am now an ardent supporter of falling and failing, but failing at things that matter. While it kills it brushes a spark to awaken the Phoenix. It burns bad but the warmth helps fight the cold.

"Being miserable" is a state, we've both been there, survived  that but settling for "Being Ok" is pathetic.

Between the lines

H: “I had to do the hardest thing anybody ever had to do……wait.”

My fingers try to find the keys in the dark amidst the snores, when I am lost in the two examples. I remember sitting in a filthy train with her across from me, not speaking a word and allowing me to blatantly admit my misery. She didn’t try and I can never thank her enough but now I envy her misery. Now I feel like a loser and have told her the same a thousand times only for her to calmly deny my reasons. We don’t talk that often anymore, it’s beyond our control. We often cry together though and it’s our new normal. I hate that our reasons aren’t the same.

It’s so logical/necessary to choose one over the other but we always crave for either the lost option or imagine an esoteric arrangement. “Option A is not available, let’s kick the shit out of option B”, the lady said during the commencement speech and like a kid incapable of letting go of a ridiculous wish I only pretended to have understood. To be fair, I actually did understand. However, I am so incapable of learning from it or putting it to practice that I conveniently chose to have not understood it.

Between Halpert and C.K , I fail miserably everyday. Oh no  Selena can’t win!

C.K : “Just soak yourself in the filth, let it eat you alive” ( not the exact words ….but you see the point )

Enough

This is not one of the "Enough is Enough" sorts. In fact this is precisely the opposite. I pitched this idea to the only soul,I expected, might understand to a certain extent (if not in its entirety) my brother. I weaved it the best way possible. I started with what it means, what it means to me and how its the most logical cascading conclusion. I confidently finished my theory saying " It's enough, you see now?" Well he didn't. He heard my monologue for 8 minutes without interrupting. I must thank him for that atleast.

His response was very blunt, as if the very purpose of his response was to nip my idea along with its very roots. He declared I was not yogi and that I was far from discovering or arriving at such grave baseless conclusions. He was worried about my thoughts and I decided to rest this before he inquires further.

Two months later, I decided to pitch the idea again and this time after high tones of excitement, so that me broaching the subject doesn't make him anxious and he understands my basis for arriving at the theory. I had a strong feeling he might just get it this time. I was prepared to explain it to him further. I started with the fishes, the coastline and sunshine and tactically led it all to being 'Enough'. He almost saw this coming and there was a 5 second silence. I decided to deflect it for now, but determined to strike again.

After few weeks, I breezed through several of my extreme cynical vicious compensations. I knew this would make him uncomfortable and more importantly concerned. I never had to be insecure about him being judgmental, perks of being siblings I guess, This time he took a pause and confessed that he gets one of them. Still it was not the theory, I was most passionate about and that made me restless.

Its as simple as it gets. Its "all good" and "enough" and we must know when to "stop". Granted its much more toxic, unnerving and convoluted but the bottom line is a one liner. I gave it another shot and he didn't deny. I guess this is as good as it gets.

It needn't always be frustrating, it needn't always be painful. it needn't always taken wrong. Sometimes it can just be knowing when to stop. After seeing "enough" its time to "sleep".
I had Franzen, page 9 on my face and the darkness was comforting. I can't wait to "sleep"!

Black-hole

Its out! Its out! Its out!

"What do you do when all your certainties crumble and slip away through your fingers like sand......."

That eternal black hole she says need to be filled with something eternal. All I am sure of right now is the black hole. The infinities of its depth is the only certainty and its existence is the only truth.

It happened. She heard that one thing and broke. She felt it as a slap across her face and pride. It hit her in the gut and she fell down hard. She couldn't get up, it was the truth and somebody has let it out. Nothing will ever be the same again. She prayed her heart out and worded each tear into a wish. A wish she was no longer afraid to wish for. It scared her soul.

Her lips quivered out of fear. Her hands lost strength and her stomach ached of pain like never before. She explained all of her uncertainties and her helplessness. As she explained it scared her further. Its been a long time and a long way to nowhere.

That small part, that second and the other minute are all you fight for and once its passed you just compensate for the lack of it. You over compensate to the extent that you pity yourself at the end of all of it. A minute without overdoing is impossible, a second without distraction is a nightmare and a glance into space is defeating. Amidst all this you continue to compensate. Its "what you do".

Warm Weave Winter

A celebrity suggested to record it in the moment, because the feeling is so strong but replicating it isn't as easy as it seems at that moment. " I am better than this" I thought looking over my phone, with conviction this time, not trying to just justify as he walked towards me in the dim light. My eyes controlled themselves from with and I mustered a hello to save myself from the unknown embarrassment. The party was an absolute wrong choice and so was the choice of my pants. The blazer was just too tight and my neck was soar.

He rested himself next to me and I felt an instant sigh of relief. A relief of a foreboded end. I'd like to believe he came sensing an unrest though I am more than sure he came to discuss something very specific. That corner impressed me and the lighting felt right. I held an empty glass and played my own game along its rim. Before we could delve into serious conversation, the presentation began and it read 'Petite sirah/durif'. The smiled at the muffling noises in my end. Suddenly, I was glad I was there. 

The night grew colder and we were out in the midnight. I chose a retreat next to the Jazz players and pretended to understand and enjoy the music by deeply staring at the lead singer and swaying my body to the slightest extent. The crew was few yards away and I was sure to lose them. I chose the tallest one to compass my way back. I didn't have the slightest remorse of what just ended, but the warmest feeling among the non-sense. As we created games over water and lemon I started realizing "here". At 2 AM over coffee she told me how it makes a difference and I walked home with the recording. 

In the morning I played it to listen to myself "I really hope that, I never want to be THAT person". I laughed and gifted myself 5 more min of sleep.