Underdog emotions

There is a rush in me to shed, shed everything to feel new. While I know it's not the solution, I try with a depleting strength of my belief that it might just work. Sometimes I let it take over and sometimes I win but I know we coexist.

The calm and void around me is disturbing, more disturbing than the irrelevant noise I have been part of. One thing which helps me persist in coherence momentarily is the talk. The talk with her, with him and with the best constants, but its so momentary that I resume my distorted self right after the call. The world around me seemed consuming enough and I made sure of that but in vain.

It makes me wonder about the power of blank. I did have this power in the recent past exactly for a week. It was the underrated time of my life yet significant enough for me to want to go back to it. It had no glories to it, no weights, but yes a sense of being surrounded everywhere. I realize the pressure of being forced to have the sense despite my denial. Now I understand how historically ages have been mapped to reach certain achievable milestones which have now evolved to be false highs and perceived lows.

As I melt at the watch, I wish myself the courage to say what I need to say to seek or give. He has a better vision of the downhill than I, he has the clarity of my impending falls. "Remote" is the most nebulous medium time has ever witnessed and it's so irrespective of the chasm between them and us.
They won't fight you but they want you because you're all they have.

Come around

It's a weird competition out there and everything is relative to something. The social media presence is a fierce battle ground unbiased to the subject-intellectual, personal, impersonal, spiritual, political, sexual, satirical etc. All the personal milestones are now measured publicly and stamped significant or not significant enough. We are living a variation of "It's a jungle out there", only this time the vibe is polite, sophisticated but no less dangerous.

The familiar can play an amazingly refreshing role amidst this chaos. Just a knock on the door, a talk of the recent past, a face from the months that passed by, and a heavy laugh at coming together is all that we need. You never expected the unfamiliar would become familiar over time and that it would create a moment where everybody is just saved by coming together.

While the world celebrates you, you would have the courage to break your guards and share the uneasiness with familiar. You have no reason to be sophisticated, polite and more importantly not-yourself at 11:00 PM over macaroons. This is your window to admitting its not right but just alright.
This space is a circle of comfort. Best-friends ( Besties? Bae?), birthdays, milestones and merits may be overrated most of the times but they who take you back for the mess you are and smile across the table for not having changed is a mini-blessing we forget to appreciate.

Cleanse

She has been there before, but this time she needed it. The moisture reached her back through the cotton shirt and the grass was kind to her, almost as if it knew she needed that. It felt good. She looked at him thankful for the time and air. It brought back everything to them in chronology but none of them dared go beyond the tangible facts. She faced away for few seconds to forget the conversation she had a few hours ago. This time she truly wanted to be thankful, for she knew chance won't play itself unintentionally each time in her favor and there are no free lunches. They lay still there, the water still, reflecting how it should be.

In New York, the liquid was overpowering and the talks with them reminded her how each time it seemed so obvious to others and her but she cut the trail at the fork.

The movie encouraged doubts.

He pushed her to find her way home at midnight, admitting he needed him with himself. And this is what she was exactly afraid of.

The patience was lost, the time needed meaning and the reasons were bleak. He was the only familiar among unfamiliar and it meant relief to her. A relief without cost. She won't get away with it this time, and it proved itself.

Sometimes you hold onto things over a worthless straw, and when it breaks of, it gifts freedom.

A last smile at the buried and a last laugh at the undeserved.

Mouse Rat - Rat Mouse

Smart people scare me, they do and when somebody calls me smart, I apologize to the universe on their behalf. While I am most attracted to innocence and at times ignorance, the person/character embodies it to my surprise. I use the word person to emphasize my belief of his/her existence. The exaggeration doesn't seem impossible anymore and I am more drawn to proving/discovering its existence.

Last month an incident broke me physically and mentally for atleast 24 hours and within the span, it rained both figuratively and actually. The rain brought out the worst in me but later I decided to share it to find out if it could sound funny now. It did and the audience enjoyed but none of them realized how it must have felt. I translated their lack of empathizing to not paying attention until one interrupted to share similar circumstances. Both the stories brought to light our stupid selves but at that time we were free of judgement.

Last week, one-closed-she opened up to me in fewest words over dinner. Different routes reached the same fork and I was left wondering if she and I are any different. She put my doubts to rest in two words, "it failed". Hollow laughs followed.

Yesterday, I allowed myself one more chance at being stupid. It compelled me to forget if not forgive. Neither of it happened. Today, it has to be different. Tomorrow must follow and have no memory of today.

When the obvious doesn't happen, when the mind speaks out loud, when one's fall is another's screen, when one's thought is another's laugh, it's much harder to admit, commit and love the un-sortedness.

Before it dies, let it live. 

Silhouette

I've laughed with you over a broken piece
when I had a day so empty
I put that aside to go back to us

It took my hands there
to wish it stronger
longer than we had with us

It smells like you and I can't save it
Difficult, different we had it
truth was incomplete in us

Clones and smiles and laughs
Let me try one more time
No we won't complain about us

Faces I know have theirs
Defeated me everywhere
This will turn around to fade us

I will wait to win
Paint myself to it
only this time against us

Mistake-taken

You listen to yourself and walk out to breathe and spend time with yourself. Well you do that a lot of times but you need this again? So, you did. Your heart was pounding as if you witnessed yourself walking away from a crime you committed. Of course its an exaggeration, but its not understating what you felt. Then you snuck out, a little part inside you convinced "it's all going to be good".

You ran a marathon in your head while collecting all the excuses you could to justify if you were caught. Well you have many of them now. Is your heart still racing? Yes! Now what?

You make the choice mentally crossing your fingers. The phone rings- you've been caught! Now? You act out all the excuses logically and break inside.

Its all bad now. You've been caught and you didn't breathe.

Now what?

You released a dozen of frustrated grunts to the walls. Yes they understand you-the jokes on you. Now you have a night to haunt you while you wait to make sure this didn't ruin your life. Well it did. If life is living your consequences, you called it upon yourself.

Now its time teasing you and you are cold to yourself. You are alone enough to blame yourself. You are far enough to be alone. You are stupid enough to be far and tired enough to be stupid.

This night will pass, hopefully they will forgive you, the time will soften, but the calm in you is compromised. There is a lot of noise in this void.

4 feet Silence

I have always been drawn to the unfamiliar after making sure the familiar was in place for me to fall back upon. Now I can comfortably stand, judge and belong. This complicated process always begins with me growing a deep sense of dislike for no concrete reason.

It was the unreasonable pride and disregard from both ends before I realized it was just me. The arrogance was mutual, loud and clear but the sense and intent were different. It occurred to me for the first time when I heard 'It happens'. This was the time when the lines between the familiar and unfamiliar blurred or I chose unfamiliar for itself. 

While I prayed for it to be different that day, I am now glad it was not. I always thought/think that it takes effort to aid to someone and it's precious and deserves an intent. Well it does NOT. It just takes you. It takes you to put everything aside when the moment demands it. I have never been more happier to be proven wrong. When there is a strength for you to trust your weight with, take it, soak it. It doesn't come along often, atleast not without a cost. But when it does, love it with all your heart, among the seconds that destroyed you, believe that they all led you to this, soak it within.

I am highly unqualified to categorize or summarize meaningfulness into accepted statuses/profiles but I know and feel what it is, even though I can't explain. When you sit 4 feet across for hours in silence, swift along in dense air, see the sky paint itself differently in each mile you cease to investigate. With a million things unsorted, you choose and gift silence.

Time and distance have vested powers in themselves and their play has absolutely no rules, you can never win! Thank god.