Black-hole

Its out! Its out! Its out!

"What do you do when all your certainties crumble and slip away through your fingers like sand......."

That eternal black hole she says need to be filled with something eternal. All I am sure of right now is the black hole. The infinities of its depth is the only certainty and its existence is the only truth.

It happened. She heard that one thing and broke. She felt it as a slap across her face and pride. It hit her in the gut and she fell down hard. She couldn't get up, it was the truth and somebody has let it out. Nothing will ever be the same again. She prayed her heart out and worded each tear into a wish. A wish she was no longer afraid to wish for. It scared her soul.

Her lips quivered out of fear. Her hands lost strength and her stomach ached of pain like never before. She explained all of her uncertainties and her helplessness. As she explained it scared her further. Its been a long time and a long way to nowhere.

That small part, that second and the other minute are all you fight for and once its passed you just compensate for the lack of it. You over compensate to the extent that you pity yourself at the end of all of it. A minute without overdoing is impossible, a second without distraction is a nightmare and a glance into space is defeating. Amidst all this you continue to compensate. Its "what you do".

Warm Weave Winter

A celebrity suggested to record it in the moment, because the feeling is so strong but replicating it isn't as easy as it seems at that moment. " I am better than this" I thought looking over my phone, with conviction this time, not trying to just justify as he walked towards me in the dim light. My eyes controlled themselves from with and I mustered a hello to save myself from the unknown embarrassment. The party was an absolute wrong choice and so was the choice of my pants. The blazer was just too tight and my neck was soar.

He rested himself next to me and I felt an instant sigh of relief. A relief of a foreboded end. I'd like to believe he came sensing an unrest though I am more than sure he came to discuss something very specific. That corner impressed me and the lighting felt right. I held an empty glass and played my own game along its rim. Before we could delve into serious conversation, the presentation began and it read 'Petite sirah/durif'. The smiled at the muffling noises in my end. Suddenly, I was glad I was there. 

The night grew colder and we were out in the midnight. I chose a retreat next to the Jazz players and pretended to understand and enjoy the music by deeply staring at the lead singer and swaying my body to the slightest extent. The crew was few yards away and I was sure to lose them. I chose the tallest one to compass my way back. I didn't have the slightest remorse of what just ended, but the warmest feeling among the non-sense. As we created games over water and lemon I started realizing "here". At 2 AM over coffee she told me how it makes a difference and I walked home with the recording. 

In the morning I played it to listen to myself "I really hope that, I never want to be THAT person". I laughed and gifted myself 5 more min of sleep. 

She

I knew the seconds before committing to watch it that it would demand the best of my courage and most of my anger. I knew I might be disgusted in my gut to the extent I might never feel pure again. But I ventured.

It was structured for 58 minutes and I challenged myself to sit through only to relive the nightmare to the slightest extent.

It began. In 4 minutes I grabbed the pillow lying lazily next to me and shouted my soul into it before I could cry. I shouted and it absorbed. I shouted harder and pressed my face in deeper only to not let myself hear it. I saw her for the first time. I saw her in the years she must have always smiled. She looked liked me. And that killed me. I continued shouting into the pillow and I tried to stop but couldn't. After few minutes I heard from him. I was more angry and uncontrollable by now. I rushed and knelt down in front of Him. I folded my hands and cried. I cried until I wasn't sure what to wish for. I cried in wait for a wish I could frame but in vain. I puked and wished I could stop. My throat ached but I couldn't stop.

I crawled my way back to see if I could handle and then he said it. What he said shook my soul and I died. I died a death so meaningless that it shook my faith. Faith is a strong assumption which manifests itself as belief. Its so weak that at times of desperation its this weakest thing one holds onto. Mythology creates a subtle balance of good versus bad that it pleases a moral soul. When the balance is disrupted or the questions are unanswered one doesn't understand what to cling onto.

I anticipated sleepless nights or nightmares but I was wrong. My conscious was challenged and I was unable to take shower without loud music nullifying not only the silence but the whisper of the shower. I was scared. Fortunately I had distractions and friends to distract me and push me normalcy. I went out of town to spend money on a dress and slapstick comedy and all along the ride I was battling the atrocious thoughts eager to surface. The conversations helped me a bit but I was still scared and shaken.

The next day I spoke to a friend about this and he pitied me. For the amazing person he is, he tried to respect my pain and left it to me to battle.

Few days passed and I was still grossed out. I felt impure and more importantly lame. In my ritual of respecting humans dead and alive I lost sense of sense. I laughed at my futile prayers and my lame good wishes. I laughed at being lucked out. I smirked at emotions not sufficing the pain. I took back my lame attempt at feeling sorry or pretending to understand.

Now I decided to share the way I feel with someone who means the world to me but what she had to say shook my faith further. The attitude to chose ignorance over empathy broke my beliefs and forced me give up.

Amidst this I realized that humanity is the definition of irony.

Warm Black 3 So

The grass titillating the spine, the gaze underneath the stars, the light of the lincoln,
The random strangers, the weird wine, the expensive dine, the darkness and the laughs.
The strength of the arms, the limp of the hurt, the vanishing hate, the welcoming new,
The sunset frozen, the silence in the ride, the rude still on, the pride not gone.

The hi so slow, the bye so loud, the walk so slow, the gaze so long,
The chase so long, the thought so slow, the name just the same, the same isn't a game.

The dine so long, the time so slow, no one knows, no one cares,
The laughs so loud, the drive so long, turn it around, the change so new.

The time so right, the smile so light, we all know, we all care,
The giggles so true, the time so long, oh so long, glad its strong.
The fourth is better, the life is better, the flight is right, the kiss is light
So far, so long, so much, so new, so few, so true, so few, yet so true, still so true.

Warm Black 2- Fly on the wall

I watched the interview in desperate wait for it frame some opinion in my head. I heard every word being consciously careful to not miss out on twig I could later use to whip other judgments against mine. The director kept his stance so aloof, I wondered if he if his product was as distant and non controversial. The interviewer's questions were rather pointed and demanded considerably unsafe answers. Strangely I wasn't bored and I continued to over-involve myself into the conversation.

Among all the arguments and theories I have witnessed from people about being judgmental, this was my favorite one despite the subject being different. For few min after the interview I was almost restless at the loss of a point of view. "Fly on the wall" is the expression he used to describe his role in being observant of the target. Despite the proximity and the option, he chose to avoid any thoughts spawning from the watch. To me it appeared ineluctable.

To a person who doesn't venture into options that might be perceived slightly abnormal and is scarred at announcement of her nonconformist behavior, all this seemed like 'Charlie and the chocolate factory' except it was not. I've heard that people fit things in retrospect and to me the connotation was always one of justifying, but this dialogue helps me understand that regret is not the only choice rather acceptance is an option.

The disgusting extrapolations and consequently meaningless conclusions people derive under the pretext of provocation cannot to be argued with, but 'To each their own' looks best in acceptance.

Warm Black- 1

Five part write up about warmth and darkness. Inspired by Daehyun Kim.

"If you didn't save it, you let it go"

As clouds gave way to the sunshine that afternoon, her early morning appointment was still on her mind. She wasn't sure if she wanted to share but she was sure she wanted to talk. I let the rays touch my skin along our ride and knew that Now we are in the same place.

:: The numerous, unnecessary and blinding options around us for everything is dangerously coming to bite us. The possibilities each option could lead to and become has rendered us dysfunctional and we gamble only to be disappointed. "What we want" is now replaced by "What's out there" and this vicious cycle has us trapped.

We reached the place and strolled and talked. What we had looked insignificant in the light of what could have been and this scared us. We talked in spirals about the chase and the run.

:: Anything that didn't deserve to be saved must be let go. However, we are so used to holding onto for " a little bit" longer that nothing good can come out of it. The argument of "meant to be" is a man made convenient excuse to be lazy. You dropped it and want the universe to undo gravity for that moment? Of course!

Spiral Limit

He slid his chair hard towards the wall and walked past from behind me. I knew this is the limit and didn't pretend to understand what was going on. I let it be and he came back after 10 min to sit next to me and we sat through a peculiarly boring class. The schedules in some cases and no-schedule in others, have taken weird routes through the dynamics. Its wearing for some and others give up easily to whims of the mood.

Its amazing how we all have come to realize our roles in this deranged set up.This afternoon, I stumbled upon some news and gave it the power. I slid the chair hard against the wall, packed my stuff and marched out. Nothing around me flinched. Its not about not caring anymore but letting it be. As we all drove to dinner awkwardly with disproportionate amounts of silence and talk, we knew this is the new normal.

The importance not trying to figure out is weighing in everywhere positively, The new lows make previous lows seem a missed high. "I am happy for you" now seems the most overused hollow statement. Yet there is a sense of momentary lightness to it. Its so bleak that it is usually easily missed. One can trace it in the knocks and when answered, you let them in.

Living through this will seem hilarious in the retrospect but while we are here it's special. The apologies and confessions, the awkward yes and the unsaid no, the offers and the missed explanations, the sliding of the chairs are all defining new limits. I just deferred a conversation to never and defined a new open orbit. I just held my words and smiled instead. Let it work until it won't.