Save what you lived

I am returning to you after 4 years and things have changed beyond what I set out to accommodate for. I just watched an interview of a famous actor ( who shall remain nameless), she inspires me each time with her "acceptance" of circumstances. (I believe and agree that "actor" is a unisex term.)

Oceans apart from my family, things demand me to be stronger than I want to. It's a luxury to be held when you are down or be a call away from people who can take care of things you've ruined. Allow me to digress into the emotional whirlwind one faces each day but are oblivious of it and live in denial when with others. To be able to attend to your emotional needs is the biggest freedom one can have. Let me explain....

I remember breaking down during my exams years ago ( and now) and wanting to vent my anxiety through tears, but then I would remind myself I don't have time for it then. This precisely is not only harmful but robs you of the opportunity to attend to yourself.

Now I understand. I respect the lows. I respect the rejections. I respect things not working out. I respect the importance of being knocked hard enough. Now I give myself the time to absorb, swallow, drink a glass of water and be normal. I stop questioning the distress and instead help myself organically ( my new favorite word!) live and win out of it.

The actress mentions the sporadic motivations that got her where is she is, and the importance of hitting the rock bottom periodically, She explains how the problems are never big but reactions dramatized. The calmness with which she narrates her way up makes us judge her testing times to be less challenging.

I am easily excitable ( news flash!) and react to happiness and sadness in extremes. The interview inspired me to cherish the extremes and celebrate or detest it with self on a milder note. Arch explained me and I weave them into words " we are the choices we make" , now I weave what my mother has been trying to explain " learnings from your experience are pure, don't share, be judged and pollute".

Utopia

I'd rather prefer stating the glass half empty because I believe its a trick to convince yourself that you are prepared for the worst.It worked for me and I continue to practice it even at the most crucial and vulnerable times.Optimism conceives in the womb of pessimism and can only be appreciated by those who have been a victim to the latter.


My recent past has been very rosy and pampering but i warned myself not to step into the specious world.Yet I admit I have traveled the carpet lost in the scent of romance that lures and then preys.No sooner that I was feeling like a beautiful princess living her dreams ,I was the target of the indirect ,blunt truth that this isnt for too long.I step forward with chivalry and answer -"I know" and tear my heart -"I wish".Why cant I be 'princess forever'?i consoled ,convinced and forced myself to march back to the veracious world I belong.The following esprit de corps I intended to make-"I dont quite like the world and wish to step back...........I never wished to enter......who are you.....rather I was already deciding to leave ..........its no my kind.....thanks but I have seen many beautiful heaven equal lands and yours rank no where.

The truth is ever since I always felt like cinder-e-ella when it came to the beau quotient and still dont rank myself high.Destined as it seems a distinguished cherub made me feel as the most beautiful princess on earth and I believed him.He held my tender ,delicate hands in his tough fist and showed me the most beautiful things.He felt my smile and pain.He heard the beat and saw the tears that didnt stream down.He warned me he was a cherub and could never deny the fact.I smiled it off then and now grope over it.We both confessed that we failed to accept the destiny.

This narration is a prerequisite for the conclusion I intend to make.All through the journey I unknowingly warned myself and figured out the worst in all possible permutations and combination's.

This had and has been helping me to garner strength and gifts me an iota of optimism.

Pessimism is just a mental pathway one must travel before expecting to step onto the carpet of roses because the former helps appreciate the latter.
An optimistic person has already traveled it thoroughly.
At few delicate times I restored my composure and combated against the waves and sometimes I surrendered .I explained my conscience to ameliorate on this effort.

Broken....Epiphany

Do you know how it feels to be killed by someone you could die for?

Do you know how it feels to smile with your heart weeping to make someone you love smile?

Do you know how it feels when your each attempt to start over new fails for the fact that its all over?

Do you know how it feels when you urge all what happened didnt happen at all and cost your life or more on it?

I know

I thought my heart could survive almost everything ,now i know i was wrong.I dream big,but I neither complain,compell nor argue,though it hurts.I never appreciated my present and constantly looked down to it ,until now that my recent present is a past
and lost,my present a purgatory and my future an incubus.I incessantly struggle to curve my lips with tears streaming down.
Most of the times i welcome tough times consoling myself that may be I deserve it..
but this is beyond an explanation.It woould be an understatement to pen down it as a
"storm broke" because though it ruins things,whats lost can be made upto,in my case
theres no chance,i lost everything in the most honest and pathetic terms.The little left is my undying spirit with an imbecile hope of getting things back to spring.
Though I have a company, but this fact only adds up to my grief.
I was forced to realize i m 19 in excrutiatingly painful 3 hours and i complain for not warning me and demanding such quick transformation.
the most painful part of this predicament is that I was neither a cause nor responsible but direct consequence.Most of all i can never escape and have to face the truth.....that when i laugh i pretend because my heart constantly weeps,my past
or even the scent of my past would not diffuse either in my present or future,I have to grow up before I want to.
though i have given up,it haunts me,taunts me....my attempts to pretend normal have
proved futile and more painful.

when we forgive,we free ourselves from the bitter ties that bind us to the one who hurt us.
:-claire francis
people always overestimate what will happen in the next two years and underestimate
what will happen on ten.
:-bill gates

CONCEAL PLEASE!

"Self-delusion is same as pulling back your stomach before stepping on the weighing machine."
"Someone with a toothache cannot digest someone else crunching a candy."
'character'?
For oneself character must be a rudimentary self honing which should be the nonpariel intent of life.
But when it comes to defining it for others,it must be a holy ocean the sanctity of which one must not dare to question inspite the opinions,prejudices and myths.
The haut monde with haute couture,haute cuisine,haute ecole we are ecstatic to dwell in or fancy to lodge in fails to recognize its cardinal drawback of hollow thinking(not to be mistaken with narrow thinking).On one hand it demands the two defined sex to consult,negotiate and march parellely and on the other hand it yells out the imbecilic,myopic conclusions it derives at their view.
How?Why?Whats so squeamish about two adolescents of opposite sex talking,discussing,sharing.....?
I am sure you are thinking....oh! c'mon gone are the days!
There are some who hold no justification when they announce a lass 'characterless' at the sight of her socializing.Even a lad friendly to opposite sex is no exception to it and termed as 'epicene'.
All I implore is-lets not consign to oblivion that we hail from decent families,ethical upbringings which doesnt allow us to title others 'epicene' or 'characterless' because the one we prey is us recursively.It bathes me in dolour when the creme la of the society ,literarti surrounding me too isnt an exception to this epidemic.
I opine the easiest,most coward,revulsive act a person can exhibit is to mock and belittle others choice of life.
Hope.

QUANDARY AND ME

'Peace' is the word the depth of which I endeavour,aspire and admire to explore.'Satisfaction' almost synonymous to the above is one I hardly gift myself.'Happiness is yet another I never agree I have had.If it appears I m in my blues ,I wonder, what was the last time I was not in my blues?
Today my heart is encumbered with regret,guilt and an undiscovered emotion which questions-the exhorbitant cost of which unintentional gaffee am I forced to indemnify?,but the fact that it has the answers is the impetus behind my silence.Unfolding the circumstances that provoked me to dive into so a deep thought ,i sincerely admit and declare thet none other than me is responsible or to be blamed.
A week ago I ventured taking up a responsibility with utmost positive hope of generating reasonably decent ensue.I projected great valour and made my way through in a docile manner.It completely wrenched me physically and most of all mentally and emotionally.Inspite all I moved on with an imbecile expectation.I did put aside most of my critical preoccupations to add up to efforts which intend to make this vested responsibility fairly acceptable though not grand success.From placing things into place,to connecting them,to making the network work I left no stone unturned.It wouldnt evev be close to the vicinity of exaggeration if I say I went beyond myself just to get things into shape.
On the 'the day' my composure companied me until some intractable people(rogues) intended to nullify my efforts by showing up their cheap attitude which provoked not only my composure to desert me but also me to desert the venue without giving a second thought.I was no exception to the fact that we tend to exacerbate the predicament we are in bt hurting the ones dear to us unintentionally.Fortunately the one I hurt was too benevolent to understand my self created predicament,ignore my ruthlessness and later forgive me for the same.
The event took a good shape after I left as those responsible for my leaving were forced to leave by the management,but was too late for me to return and join my friends to taste the pie I cooked.
The regret and guilt is just that I didnt give a second thought and reacted too in a haste......missed yet another memory.