Broken....Epiphany

Do you know how it feels to be killed by someone you could die for?

Do you know how it feels to smile with your heart weeping to make someone you love smile?

Do you know how it feels when your each attempt to start over new fails for the fact that its all over?

Do you know how it feels when you urge all what happened didnt happen at all and cost your life or more on it?

I know

I thought my heart could survive almost everything ,now i know i was wrong.I dream big,but I neither complain,compell nor argue,though it hurts.I never appreciated my present and constantly looked down to it ,until now that my recent present is a past
and lost,my present a purgatory and my future an incubus.I incessantly struggle to curve my lips with tears streaming down.
Most of the times i welcome tough times consoling myself that may be I deserve it..
but this is beyond an explanation.It woould be an understatement to pen down it as a
"storm broke" because though it ruins things,whats lost can be made upto,in my case
theres no chance,i lost everything in the most honest and pathetic terms.The little left is my undying spirit with an imbecile hope of getting things back to spring.
Though I have a company, but this fact only adds up to my grief.
I was forced to realize i m 19 in excrutiatingly painful 3 hours and i complain for not warning me and demanding such quick transformation.
the most painful part of this predicament is that I was neither a cause nor responsible but direct consequence.Most of all i can never escape and have to face the truth.....that when i laugh i pretend because my heart constantly weeps,my past
or even the scent of my past would not diffuse either in my present or future,I have to grow up before I want to.
though i have given up,it haunts me,taunts me....my attempts to pretend normal have
proved futile and more painful.

when we forgive,we free ourselves from the bitter ties that bind us to the one who hurt us.
:-claire francis
people always overestimate what will happen in the next two years and underestimate
what will happen on ten.
:-bill gates

CONCEAL PLEASE!

"Self-delusion is same as pulling back your stomach before stepping on the weighing machine."
"Someone with a toothache cannot digest someone else crunching a candy."
'character'?
For oneself character must be a rudimentary self honing which should be the nonpariel intent of life.
But when it comes to defining it for others,it must be a holy ocean the sanctity of which one must not dare to question inspite the opinions,prejudices and myths.
The haut monde with haute couture,haute cuisine,haute ecole we are ecstatic to dwell in or fancy to lodge in fails to recognize its cardinal drawback of hollow thinking(not to be mistaken with narrow thinking).On one hand it demands the two defined sex to consult,negotiate and march parellely and on the other hand it yells out the imbecilic,myopic conclusions it derives at their view.
How?Why?Whats so squeamish about two adolescents of opposite sex talking,discussing,sharing.....?
I am sure you are thinking....oh! c'mon gone are the days!
There are some who hold no justification when they announce a lass 'characterless' at the sight of her socializing.Even a lad friendly to opposite sex is no exception to it and termed as 'epicene'.
All I implore is-lets not consign to oblivion that we hail from decent families,ethical upbringings which doesnt allow us to title others 'epicene' or 'characterless' because the one we prey is us recursively.It bathes me in dolour when the creme la of the society ,literarti surrounding me too isnt an exception to this epidemic.
I opine the easiest,most coward,revulsive act a person can exhibit is to mock and belittle others choice of life.
Hope.

QUANDARY AND ME

'Peace' is the word the depth of which I endeavour,aspire and admire to explore.'Satisfaction' almost synonymous to the above is one I hardly gift myself.'Happiness is yet another I never agree I have had.If it appears I m in my blues ,I wonder, what was the last time I was not in my blues?
Today my heart is encumbered with regret,guilt and an undiscovered emotion which questions-the exhorbitant cost of which unintentional gaffee am I forced to indemnify?,but the fact that it has the answers is the impetus behind my silence.Unfolding the circumstances that provoked me to dive into so a deep thought ,i sincerely admit and declare thet none other than me is responsible or to be blamed.
A week ago I ventured taking up a responsibility with utmost positive hope of generating reasonably decent ensue.I projected great valour and made my way through in a docile manner.It completely wrenched me physically and most of all mentally and emotionally.Inspite all I moved on with an imbecile expectation.I did put aside most of my critical preoccupations to add up to efforts which intend to make this vested responsibility fairly acceptable though not grand success.From placing things into place,to connecting them,to making the network work I left no stone unturned.It wouldnt evev be close to the vicinity of exaggeration if I say I went beyond myself just to get things into shape.
On the 'the day' my composure companied me until some intractable people(rogues) intended to nullify my efforts by showing up their cheap attitude which provoked not only my composure to desert me but also me to desert the venue without giving a second thought.I was no exception to the fact that we tend to exacerbate the predicament we are in bt hurting the ones dear to us unintentionally.Fortunately the one I hurt was too benevolent to understand my self created predicament,ignore my ruthlessness and later forgive me for the same.
The event took a good shape after I left as those responsible for my leaving were forced to leave by the management,but was too late for me to return and join my friends to taste the pie I cooked.
The regret and guilt is just that I didnt give a second thought and reacted too in a haste......missed yet another memory.