Mouse Rat - Rat Mouse

Smart people scare me, they do and when somebody calls me smart, I apologize to the universe on their behalf. While I am most attracted to innocence and at times ignorance, the person/character embodies it to my surprise. I use the word person to emphasize my belief of his/her existence. The exaggeration doesn't seem impossible anymore and I am more drawn to proving/discovering its existence.

Last month an incident broke me physically and mentally for atleast 24 hours and within the span, it rained both figuratively and actually. The rain brought out the worst in me but later I decided to share it to find out if it could sound funny now. It did and the audience enjoyed but none of them realized how it must have felt. I translated their lack of empathizing to not paying attention until one interrupted to share similar circumstances. Both the stories brought to light our stupid selves but at that time we were free of judgement.

Last week, one-closed-she opened up to me in fewest words over dinner. Different routes reached the same fork and I was left wondering if she and I are any different. She put my doubts to rest in two words, "it failed". Hollow laughs followed.

Yesterday, I allowed myself one more chance at being stupid. It compelled me to forget if not forgive. Neither of it happened. Today, it has to be different. Tomorrow must follow and have no memory of today.

When the obvious doesn't happen, when the mind speaks out loud, when one's fall is another's screen, when one's thought is another's laugh, it's much harder to admit, commit and love the un-sortedness.

Before it dies, let it live. 

Silhouette

I've laughed with you over a broken piece
when I had a day so empty
I put that aside to go back to us

It took my hands there
to wish it stronger
longer than we had with us

It smells like you and I can't save it
Difficult, different we had it
truth was incomplete in us

Clones and smiles and laughs
Let me try one more time
No we won't complain about us

Faces I know have theirs
Defeated me everywhere
This will turn around to fade us

I will wait to win
Paint myself to it
only this time against us

Mistake-taken

You listen to yourself and walk out to breathe and spend time with yourself. Well you do that a lot of times but you need this again? So, you did. Your heart was pounding as if you witnessed yourself walking away from a crime you committed. Of course its an exaggeration, but its not understating what you felt. Then you snuck out, a little part inside you convinced "it's all going to be good".

You ran a marathon in your head while collecting all the excuses you could to justify if you were caught. Well you have many of them now. Is your heart still racing? Yes! Now what?

You make the choice mentally crossing your fingers. The phone rings- you've been caught! Now? You act out all the excuses logically and break inside.

Its all bad now. You've been caught and you didn't breathe.

Now what?

You released a dozen of frustrated grunts to the walls. Yes they understand you-the jokes on you. Now you have a night to haunt you while you wait to make sure this didn't ruin your life. Well it did. If life is living your consequences, you called it upon yourself.

Now its time teasing you and you are cold to yourself. You are alone enough to blame yourself. You are far enough to be alone. You are stupid enough to be far and tired enough to be stupid.

This night will pass, hopefully they will forgive you, the time will soften, but the calm in you is compromised. There is a lot of noise in this void.

4 feet Silence

I have always been drawn to the unfamiliar after making sure the familiar was in place for me to fall back upon. Now I can comfortably stand, judge and belong. This complicated process always begins with me growing a deep sense of dislike for no concrete reason.

It was the unreasonable pride and disregard from both ends before I realized it was just me. The arrogance was mutual, loud and clear but the sense and intent were different. It occurred to me for the first time when I heard 'It happens'. This was the time when the lines between the familiar and unfamiliar blurred or I chose unfamiliar for itself. 

While I prayed for it to be different that day, I am now glad it was not. I always thought/think that it takes effort to aid to someone and it's precious and deserves an intent. Well it does NOT. It just takes you. It takes you to put everything aside when the moment demands it. I have never been more happier to be proven wrong. When there is a strength for you to trust your weight with, take it, soak it. It doesn't come along often, atleast not without a cost. But when it does, love it with all your heart, among the seconds that destroyed you, believe that they all led you to this, soak it within.

I am highly unqualified to categorize or summarize meaningfulness into accepted statuses/profiles but I know and feel what it is, even though I can't explain. When you sit 4 feet across for hours in silence, swift along in dense air, see the sky paint itself differently in each mile you cease to investigate. With a million things unsorted, you choose and gift silence.

Time and distance have vested powers in themselves and their play has absolutely no rules, you can never win! Thank god.