The worst wrath of an enemy to me would be hurling me into a situation or more imaginatively a quicksand wherein I have to, just have to 'depend' on someone. Even as I typed that sentence I had a disgusted (of myself) face. The fact that I have to depend on someone for anything makes me sick to my stomach. In my quest for being absofuckinglutely independent for life I end up depending on people in a range of capacity. I do fall in love with few people along the way but I end up hating myself a little more each time.
I am in the verge of being temporarily financially independent in a very reasonable way but these few testing times few weeks before things hopefully materialize have slammed my face into the wall and choked the pipes inside my body making me bruised and bleed emotionally. The chronology of things that surfaced are so bitter that calling them bitter-sweet is no longer justified. It's mere pain in the most honest sense possible. I have a lump in my throat as I write.
I do believe this is so testing that it's keeping me or rather bitterly pushing me away from the appreciation I must hold of what I have or what I have earned. I know if I describe the magnitude of dependency involved in the narration, one would comfortably disregard my concern to be petty, however in my defence if you are me this is the literal equivalent of being punched in the stomach to hurt your innermost self.
The point is I will always be pushed to the wall by circumstances where I have to seek help/ wait for someone/worst yield to someone.I can/will NEVER come to terms with it and I know it and more honestly I owe that dignity to myself.
I am in the verge of being temporarily financially independent in a very reasonable way but these few testing times few weeks before things hopefully materialize have slammed my face into the wall and choked the pipes inside my body making me bruised and bleed emotionally. The chronology of things that surfaced are so bitter that calling them bitter-sweet is no longer justified. It's mere pain in the most honest sense possible. I have a lump in my throat as I write.
I do believe this is so testing that it's keeping me or rather bitterly pushing me away from the appreciation I must hold of what I have or what I have earned. I know if I describe the magnitude of dependency involved in the narration, one would comfortably disregard my concern to be petty, however in my defence if you are me this is the literal equivalent of being punched in the stomach to hurt your innermost self.
The point is I will always be pushed to the wall by circumstances where I have to seek help/ wait for someone/worst yield to someone.I can/will NEVER come to terms with it and I know it and more honestly I owe that dignity to myself.
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