Black-hole

Its out! Its out! Its out!

"What do you do when all your certainties crumble and slip away through your fingers like sand......."

That eternal black hole she says need to be filled with something eternal. All I am sure of right now is the black hole. The infinities of its depth is the only certainty and its existence is the only truth.

It happened. She heard that one thing and broke. She felt it as a slap across her face and pride. It hit her in the gut and she fell down hard. She couldn't get up, it was the truth and somebody has let it out. Nothing will ever be the same again. She prayed her heart out and worded each tear into a wish. A wish she was no longer afraid to wish for. It scared her soul.

Her lips quivered out of fear. Her hands lost strength and her stomach ached of pain like never before. She explained all of her uncertainties and her helplessness. As she explained it scared her further. Its been a long time and a long way to nowhere.

That small part, that second and the other minute are all you fight for and once its passed you just compensate for the lack of it. You over compensate to the extent that you pity yourself at the end of all of it. A minute without overdoing is impossible, a second without distraction is a nightmare and a glance into space is defeating. Amidst all this you continue to compensate. Its "what you do".

Warm Weave Winter

A celebrity suggested to record it in the moment, because the feeling is so strong but replicating it isn't as easy as it seems at that moment. " I am better than this" I thought looking over my phone, with conviction this time, not trying to just justify as he walked towards me in the dim light. My eyes controlled themselves from with and I mustered a hello to save myself from the unknown embarrassment. The party was an absolute wrong choice and so was the choice of my pants. The blazer was just too tight and my neck was soar.

He rested himself next to me and I felt an instant sigh of relief. A relief of a foreboded end. I'd like to believe he came sensing an unrest though I am more than sure he came to discuss something very specific. That corner impressed me and the lighting felt right. I held an empty glass and played my own game along its rim. Before we could delve into serious conversation, the presentation began and it read 'Petite sirah/durif'. The smiled at the muffling noises in my end. Suddenly, I was glad I was there. 

The night grew colder and we were out in the midnight. I chose a retreat next to the Jazz players and pretended to understand and enjoy the music by deeply staring at the lead singer and swaying my body to the slightest extent. The crew was few yards away and I was sure to lose them. I chose the tallest one to compass my way back. I didn't have the slightest remorse of what just ended, but the warmest feeling among the non-sense. As we created games over water and lemon I started realizing "here". At 2 AM over coffee she told me how it makes a difference and I walked home with the recording. 

In the morning I played it to listen to myself "I really hope that, I never want to be THAT person". I laughed and gifted myself 5 more min of sleep.