She

I knew the seconds before committing to watch it that it would demand the best of my courage and most of my anger. I knew I might be disgusted in my gut to the extent I might never feel pure again. But I ventured.

It was structured for 58 minutes and I challenged myself to sit through only to relive the nightmare to the slightest extent.

It began. In 4 minutes I grabbed the pillow lying lazily next to me and shouted my soul into it before I could cry. I shouted and it absorbed. I shouted harder and pressed my face in deeper only to not let myself hear it. I saw her for the first time. I saw her in the years she must have always smiled. She looked liked me. And that killed me. I continued shouting into the pillow and I tried to stop but couldn't. After few minutes I heard from him. I was more angry and uncontrollable by now. I rushed and knelt down in front of Him. I folded my hands and cried. I cried until I wasn't sure what to wish for. I cried in wait for a wish I could frame but in vain. I puked and wished I could stop. My throat ached but I couldn't stop.

I crawled my way back to see if I could handle and then he said it. What he said shook my soul and I died. I died a death so meaningless that it shook my faith. Faith is a strong assumption which manifests itself as belief. Its so weak that at times of desperation its this weakest thing one holds onto. Mythology creates a subtle balance of good versus bad that it pleases a moral soul. When the balance is disrupted or the questions are unanswered one doesn't understand what to cling onto.

I anticipated sleepless nights or nightmares but I was wrong. My conscious was challenged and I was unable to take shower without loud music nullifying not only the silence but the whisper of the shower. I was scared. Fortunately I had distractions and friends to distract me and push me normalcy. I went out of town to spend money on a dress and slapstick comedy and all along the ride I was battling the atrocious thoughts eager to surface. The conversations helped me a bit but I was still scared and shaken.

The next day I spoke to a friend about this and he pitied me. For the amazing person he is, he tried to respect my pain and left it to me to battle.

Few days passed and I was still grossed out. I felt impure and more importantly lame. In my ritual of respecting humans dead and alive I lost sense of sense. I laughed at my futile prayers and my lame good wishes. I laughed at being lucked out. I smirked at emotions not sufficing the pain. I took back my lame attempt at feeling sorry or pretending to understand.

Now I decided to share the way I feel with someone who means the world to me but what she had to say shook my faith further. The attitude to chose ignorance over empathy broke my beliefs and forced me give up.

Amidst this I realized that humanity is the definition of irony.

Warm Black 3 So

The grass titillating the spine, the gaze underneath the stars, the light of the lincoln,
The random strangers, the weird wine, the expensive dine, the darkness and the laughs.
The strength of the arms, the limp of the hurt, the vanishing hate, the welcoming new,
The sunset frozen, the silence in the ride, the rude still on, the pride not gone.

The hi so slow, the bye so loud, the walk so slow, the gaze so long,
The chase so long, the thought so slow, the name just the same, the same isn't a game.

The dine so long, the time so slow, no one knows, no one cares,
The laughs so loud, the drive so long, turn it around, the change so new.

The time so right, the smile so light, we all know, we all care,
The giggles so true, the time so long, oh so long, glad its strong.
The fourth is better, the life is better, the flight is right, the kiss is light
So far, so long, so much, so new, so few, so true, so few, yet so true, still so true.

Warm Black 2- Fly on the wall

I watched the interview in desperate wait for it frame some opinion in my head. I heard every word being consciously careful to not miss out on twig I could later use to whip other judgments against mine. The director kept his stance so aloof, I wondered if he if his product was as distant and non controversial. The interviewer's questions were rather pointed and demanded considerably unsafe answers. Strangely I wasn't bored and I continued to over-involve myself into the conversation.

Among all the arguments and theories I have witnessed from people about being judgmental, this was my favorite one despite the subject being different. For few min after the interview I was almost restless at the loss of a point of view. "Fly on the wall" is the expression he used to describe his role in being observant of the target. Despite the proximity and the option, he chose to avoid any thoughts spawning from the watch. To me it appeared ineluctable.

To a person who doesn't venture into options that might be perceived slightly abnormal and is scarred at announcement of her nonconformist behavior, all this seemed like 'Charlie and the chocolate factory' except it was not. I've heard that people fit things in retrospect and to me the connotation was always one of justifying, but this dialogue helps me understand that regret is not the only choice rather acceptance is an option.

The disgusting extrapolations and consequently meaningless conclusions people derive under the pretext of provocation cannot to be argued with, but 'To each their own' looks best in acceptance.